Sober Thoughts
by shadowonaqua
Summary: In which a young woman struggles with her thoughts of the one she loves the most. [Natsuya x Reader/OC] [Free! DTTF AU]


**Hello everyone! This is my first one-shot/fic for "Free!" and also my first time writing in the first-person, and I hope you'll enjoy it! I've been thoroughly enjoying the latest season so far, and just entered a muse with Natsuya this morning. This came out more angsty than I expected, however...**

 **Also, there is mild cursing and alcohol in this series. And I don't own any of the characters for "Free!" except for my first-person character.**

 **(Lastly, for those of you who have been following my primary story for "Hakuoki," thank you for the support! The next chapter should be coming soon! Still trying to make it reasonable before publishing it here.)**

* * *

 _ **Sober Thoughts**_

 _Natsuya Kirishima x Reader/OC_

Once again, I found myself staring at the ceiling. I do not even know how much time has passed. The little tiger-shark keychain dangled in my peripheral vision on the bed post, and honestly it has probably been collecting dust for the last few years. I just… cannot touch it. I cannot hold it. How long has it been? How long has it been since I have seen him? Talked to him? And honestly, where is he?

My phone buzzed on my bedside table. I do not want to talk to anyone right now, not when I am feeling like this. But it kept going, ringing, vibrating, the small light on the corner of the screen blinking its obnoxious orange color. Can I chuck it?

But no, I worked hard to get this phone. At least I should respect it.

I glance at the caller ID. Nao is calling, which gives me small comfort on a lonely, dark night like this. "Hello?"

"Hey. How are you doing?"

"You really want to know, Nao?" I grumble. Why is it that every time I am in one of my moods, he just knows?

He chuckles, yet it doesn't annoy me. "How long have I known you? Want some company?" my best friend asks.

I sigh. "Sure, why not," I mumble. I might as well hang out with Nao if I'm going to be stupid like this. How many times has this happened already?

"I'll head over in a few. Want to chill at home or go somewhere?"

"Bring me out. I need it."

"Roger. See you soon."

And in just five minutes, Nao knocks on my door. Once I open the door, I notice he is dressed cleanly, with an easy light-blue polo shirt and some straight jeans. Despite having glasses on, he is clearly ready to have an easy night at a bar.

But, I am still stuck in my baggy navy sweater with sports shorts on. My normal pajama attire.

I must have grimaced, or something, because Nao holds back a laugh. "You know I don't mind if you go out like you are currently, right?"

"Come in, Nao. I seriously wonder how you deal with me," I reply while opening the door wider to let him in.

"I'm not 'dealing' with you. It's called caring for a friend."

Ugh, why are you so kind? I just shake my head while picking out jean shorts and a loose t-shirt. Might as well look presentable if we're going out. "Want anything to drink or snack on?"

Nao smiles lightly, "No need. I'll cover you tonight."

"Thanks."

In just a few minutes, we are walking down to a newly opened bar a few blocks from my apartment. It is late on a Saturday night, but people are few in number along the long expanse of city road. Streetlights flicker in the distance, and the occasional bicycle rattles past us. A light breeze blows through the air, and it feels refreshing. But my mind… is still wandering.

Nao stops in front of a narrow door, concealed among some bushes and some nicely decorated Christmas lights. But it is not Christmas, and it is too cheery for me. "We're here."

We enter and settle at the corner of the bar counter. A few more college students are hanging out in other areas of the small room, and music plays through the speakers mounted on the ceilings. The drink selection is diverse, and whoever is the bartender must be clean and orderly as each cup, bottle, and towel is in their respective location as he works nonstop.

Nao ordered a beer for himself, and next thing I knew, a small glass of rum and coke is placed in front of my eyes. No, no, no…

"Deep breath. Take a deep breath," Nao murmurs.

I cannot, I cannot…

"You're thinking about him again, are you?"

God damn it, Nao.

"No."

"Yes, you are."

"Why are you prodding? And why did you give that drink to me?"

"It's his birthday today. I know you're thinking about him. And that's the only alcoholic drink you'll ever have, right?"

Jesus, Nao is right again. I am so dumb. It has been like this every year for the last few years, especially on his birthday.

A moment of silence passes as Nao quietly sips on his draft beer. I just stare at my glass. My mind is jumbled, I do not know where to focus. The ice just floats, but I feel like sinking…

.

.

.

 _I feel lost, standing here. I am supposed to meet Misaki, my fellow first-year classmate, somewhere, but I cannot find her. She did not reply to my text either. Understandable though, it is so loud in this bar. There are so many bodies, and I already feel the stickiness of sweat in the air._

 _"Are you looking for Misaki?" a deep voice rumbles to my side._

 _I turn, and there_ he _is. Roughly tousled brown hair aside, his orange eyes gleam in mirth as he observes me. He is tall too, and looks pretty fit. He is beautiful._

 _I cough. I should not lose my cool. "Yes, I am, actually."_

 _"She told me to look for you when you arrived. Anyway, I'm Natsuya Kirishima, 2nd year." he smiles as he sticks his hand out toward me. When I grasp his hand, it was big, warm, and somehow soft. I did not understand how a man's hand could be that soft. But then again, I do not really know much, aside from what I read in books._

 _Over the next few minutes, Natsuya guides me along the crowd as we look for our friend. However, instead of finding Misaki at all, we end up at the corner of the bar counter, squished against all the other bodies that were congregating on the main floor. I am stuck next to the wall with Natsuya right next to me, but somehow it did not feel overbearing. If anything, I felt weirdly protected as he faces his side toward me and downs the beer in one go._

 _"Ah, that felt good," he chuckles and grins. "You thirsty?"_

 _"No, I'm good actually," I smile back at him._

 _"Is this your first time at a bar?"_

 _"What would you think if I told you yes?"_

 _"Then I commend you for being brave enough to sit next to me," he laughs, glancing sideways at me._

 _I shake my head, "Well, you did help me to try and find Misaki, which totally failed."_

 _He glances out at the crowd and chuckles, "She's a social butterfly, that's what. Tell you something, let's just sit here and see if she happens to make her way around."_

 _"Sure."_

 _But a few minutes later, a glass is placed in front of me. "What's this? I don't think I ordered this."_

 _The kind elderly bartender smiles at me before glancing at Natsuya. "This young fellow asked me to give you a classic rum and coke."_

 _"Eh?" Wait a moment, I get that this is an active dance bar, and it is already kind of funny how there is an elderly bartender here. But a drink? "But I thought I said I wasn't thirsty?" I ask while turning to the man beside me._

 _"You did," Natsuya pats me on the back before placing his arm around my shoulders, "but I don't think either one of us will be leaving anytime soon. Might as well relax and take our time."_

 _I swear my face lit up like a tomato. He is so close. "So… rum and coke?" I barely manage to mutter._

 _"Yep. Had it before?"_

 _"No."_

 _"Then give it a try!"_

 _"But I never drank before."_

 _"Ooh, you shouldn't admit that to someone you just met though," Natsuya suddenly looks concerned._

 _I huff. He is right, why did I just say that?_

 _But instead of taking advantage of that, he takes a sip of my rum and coke. He chuckles after glancing at me. I probably made another weird face again. "There, now if there's a problem with it, I'll be the first one knocked out."_

 _"But, Natsuya, you didn't have to do that…" I am concerned now. What if there is a drug in it? Why did he do that?_

 _"Nonsense, I want you to have fun. Who has fun when he or she gets knocked out in one go?"_

 _And so I give in and decide to give it a try._

 _._

 _._

 _._

"You know," Nao's velvet-laced voice brings me out of my memories, "I said this before. If you want, I can help with talking to him."

I sigh, and I chug the drink. "Nao, you know that I do text him, right? It's his business if he doesn't want to text back. I don't want to drag you into this."

"Sure?"

"Positive. Mr., can I have another rum and coke?"

Might as well wallow in my own misery with the one drink that gives me any minute bit of comfort. Ironic how this drink brings back everything I do not want to think about too.

But a few more in, and my face becomes wet.

"You can cry on me if you want," Nao mumbles as he traces the rim of the beer mug.

"Why did he leave, Nao? He didn't even say goodbye to me! We didn't break up either! I'm just… fucking waiting like the little piece of shit I am because I got so attached and we're still technically together…"

My voice is slurred, my vision is blurred, my mind is jumbled. I feel like losing myself to my inner demons again. At least that way, I am my own company. I will be alone again.

"You've been strong. You have been this entire time."

"You're too nice, Nao. I'm not strong at all. I'm fucking weak. I mean, every time some… special date happens, I end up like this. EVERY FUCKING TIME."

He is gone. He will not come back. "Also, I clearly don't matter to him for him to just up and leave like that…"

Nao was silent through my entire outburst. He just patted me on the back, patiently waiting for me to let it out. How did Natsuya and I end up with such a wonderful friend? Both of us are two little pieces of shit who do not deserve someone as kind as him.

"I get where you're coming from, but I don't think I can agree with you on this one."

"No? Why not? He's been talking to you, hasn't he? If he talks to you, why can't he at least contact me?" I feel so close to screaming.

Just one reply. That is all I need.

Our silver-haired friend sighs again, and pats me once more on the back before resting his hand on my head. "He has his own demons too. He needed to sort it out, from what I could understand."

"He could share them with me though, right? He couldn't even confide in me? I trusted him this whole time, couldn't he place some trust and faith in me?" Why, why, why…

"He didn't want to burden you."

"Fuck that mindset, Nao! Don't tell me you agree with him?"

"No, I don't, but…"

"THEN FUCK HIM. We're supposed to support each other when we're in a relationship. We're supposed to be there for each other through the good and bad. I mean, I love him… every part of him…" I cry again. Big, fat droplets that are warm and sticky fall down, and I feel like choking.

I do not remember how many drinks I had. When this happens, I never keep count. It is almost as if I do not want to remember.

Nao finishes his beer and pays for both of us. He is such an angel. He puts my arm around his shoulder and guides me to stand up. "Ready to head home?"

"Mm," I mumble. I might as well go home. Not that there is anything to look forward to when I return.

Nao walks slowly while making sure that I stay on my feet. He even gave me a bottle of water for me to sip on as we trudged back to my apartment complex. "Want me to stay at home with you for a while more?"

"No need. Thanks, Nao, for putting up with my shenanigans."

He chuckles, "It's not shenanigans. All your feelings are valid, and I want to be there for you. As your friend, and as his friend too."

"So why aren't you dating anyone right now?"

"I wait for when the time is right," he smiles, with a faraway look on his face.

I do not prod, and I continue to focus on putting one foot in front of the other. I am almost there, and the water is certainly helping.

Once we get back to my apartment, Nao makes sure that I am all set before leaving for the evening. I chug the water, and head to the bathroom to change back into my pajamas. I nearly flinch when I see myself in the mirror. My eyes are bloodshot, and I look tired, sad, and angry all at once.

I have been feeling worse as more time passes.

However, before I can tuck myself into bed, the doorbell rings.

Who could be there right now?

Without bothering to check the peephole, I open the door to find the last person I wanted to see.

I stare. This cannot be happening now.

"Hey," the deep voice that I yearned for so long vibrated in the air.

No, no, NO.

"Why are you here?"

I cannot say anything else. I sound angry. Am I really that angry?

"I…"

He does not finish his answer. I feel so frustrated.

"If you have nothing better to do, please leave," I mutter and begin to close the door.

"Wait, wait, I need to talk to you," he tries to keep the door open.

"Oh, NOW you want to talk. What, you had HOW MANY years to do that and I get NO replies? What the fuck do you want?!"

"Please, please, let me talk to you," he sounds desperate, and I swear I can hear the beginning of a sob.

But I cannot face him right now.

But I want to see him too.

I am so conflicted. But I am weak, I always have been. So I let go of the door, and make my way to the bed.

I enter the covers, and bury my face into the pillow. I want to see him, but I cannot, because I will lose my mind if I do.

I hear him walk in, close the door, and take his shoes off. He sets his bag down near the entrance, and it sounds large and heavy. He walks over slowly, and his footsteps seem hesitant. It is only when he is next to the bed that he settles onto the floor, next to the edge of my bed. He makes no effort to get closer than that, as if there was an invisible wall, separating us even though we are so close.

I hold my breath. I do not know what to say. What is there to say?

But he starts, "I see the tiger shark. You still have it?"

"Mm," I mumble into the pillow.

I feel him smiling. How do I know that? Why do I know that? "Thanks for keeping it. I thought you would have tossed it by now."

"You're right, I should have."

He sighs. I'm really not making this easy for either one of us, am I? "But I'm stupid, so I kept it," I mutter. I still keep my face hidden.

"You're not stupid. I'm the idiot here."

"Guess that makes two of us."

Another silence ensues. This is stifling.

"Why did you leave?"

He taps his foot slightly, a nervous habit that I have rarely seen. "I… was confused."

"About what?"

"Goals, life, family, what I wanted."

"Why didn't you talk to me about it?"

"I…"

"Didn't want to burden me?"

"Nao told you?"

"What do you think?"

He chuckles. "Of course. He's been the one taking care of you for the last two years."

He sighs again. Whatever he wants to say, he is having a hard time getting it out. But, it comes. "I'm sorry."

What?

"What is this? You've never apologized before for anything," I grumble. I still cannot find the energy to lift my face off the pillow.

"I'm truly sorry. For everything."

"Everything? Including the first year we were together?"

"I… not that, but for everything since then. Since I … left."

"How can I trust you?"

"I know I… don't deserve your trust, because I messed up. But, I want to gain it back. I don't have any excuses, just huge mistakes. But I…"

"What?" I mumble. He is rambling. Perhaps he is as confused as I am currently.

Or maybe not.

"I know I messed everything up between us. But, I've figured it all out now. I know what I want, what I am aiming for, and I won't screw up again."

"Oh, you won't, huh?" my voice sounds painfully sarcastic. I want to believe it, but the logical side of me says I should not. What do I do?

Even so, my attitude does not seem to deter him. "Yeah, I won't."

I peek one eye from the pillow. There he is, Natsuya Kirishima, with legs crossed and staring intently at me. Although his facial expression looks light and yearning, his eyes glisten with the moonlight filtering through my window. A lone tear falls down his cheek as he smiles at me.

I guess I am weak after all.

"Need a drink?" I push myself off the bed and ask.

His eyes widen a little. "What do you have?"

"Water."

"That's perfect."

I pour a glass and hand it to him. Our fingers touch, it feels just like how I remember, soft and warm. His hair still looks the same, and his orange irises still captivate me. He looks fitter than before, what has he been doing?

I found that I still want to see him. To know him. I want to learn more.

But I am still frustrated and saddened by the past few years. It is hard to rid myself of old conflicts.

But time heals, right?

I settle back into my bed, and Natsuya has not moved. He is still cross-legged on my hard, wooden floor, his eyes glancing at nothing as he stares at nothing.

"Natsuya?"

He looks up at me. "Yeah?"

"Do you have a place to stay?"

He shakes his head. "No, but I was going to knock on Nao's door and hope he opens up."

I feel peeved. "You don't want to stay here?"

"I…" he pauses, but continues, "I didn't know if you wanted to see me. Or even if you want me here… ever again."

I do not know why, but I chuckle. "Silly. I have an extra blanket you can lay on the ground."

His eyes glisten more. "Sure?"

I nod before getting up to retrieve the makeshift bedding. "Can't have you wandering the streets at this time of night, right?"

"I'm a guy, though."

"Even so, I wouldn't feel good about it. Do you want to stay?"

"If you'll let me."

And so we place the bedding on the ground, and I find some pillows for him to use, including my body pillow. If I remember correctly, he likes to cuddle things when he sleeps.

When I glance at him next, he smiles a beautiful smile at me. One full of yearning, nostalgia, and love, maybe? Or my eyes are fooling me.

"Um…"

"Yes?" I ask. It is weird to see Natsuya being hesitant around me. He is usually so confident. Or … was. Perhaps I do not know him, after all.

He scratches his head in hesitance, "Can I hug you?"

Huh? I could not answer.

He expresses in a hoarse voice, "I missed you, so much. I know I fucked everything up by leaving without telling you and for not responding, but I missed you this entire time. And, I … yearned for your hug. Every day."

He is close to crying again. My throat closes. What is this sensation? My face feels wet again.

And so I hug him. Maybe I am not the only one who is broken after all.

Natsuya holds me so tightly, as if I might disappear from his arms. I feel him shake, and my head feels wet.

"Oh, Natsuya…"

"I'm so, so sorry…" he cries out. His voice is so full of despair and sounds so hopeless.

"I know," I squeeze him back. "I know."

"Can I stay?" he whispers through his tears.

I nod against his chest. "Of course."

"Can I be with you still?"

"Mm," I affirm.

And he cries even more. I have never seen this before. My chest tightens more, and my throat closes up.

I continue to hold him as he lets out all the sorrow that he accumulated in the time that we were apart. He grasps at my sweater and holds me close. I pat his back as we stay like that for a while. Although we are both older now, he is like a child now. I want to take care of him.

I still love him. Even though he left before, I still love him.

His tears soon stop, and his cries have been reduced to small sniffles. "Ready to sleep?" I gently ask.

"Yeah…" he nods.

And so I let go. "You'll tell me everything tomorrow? No hiding anything from me?"

He nods again. I dab the leftover tear stains from his eyes with a tissue, and his glowing irises follow my every movement. We lost years with each other, but at the moment everything feels just right.

As I try to throw the tissue away, Natsuya clenches my hand. "Hm?"

"I… I'm home," he murmurs. He looks at me, his features laced with both shyness and hope.

I grin, my heart feeling lighter now than it has in my whole life. "Welcome home, Natsuya."

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 **Thanks for reading! If any of you have comments or questions, feel free to review! I look forward to reading all your suggestions, as I'm hoping to improve with each piece submitted. Hope to see you soon at the next fic!**


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